Edward's Loss
by Twilighter541
Summary: Well, this is my first story. Edward leaves Bella in New Moon and doesn't come back. He ends up staying with the Denali coven. And Tanya is now his mate. Will he keep running from his fears?
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: Hi. Well, this is my first story. And yeahh. Lemme know what you think. Just so yall know I am Team Switzerland :) I was truly inspired by My friend Ihatejacob1 you should go check her out if you wanna read a real writer's work. :) Be honest lemme know what you think.**

**Ihatejacob1: Hi **** I'm Jazmine's beta. And I say read this and like it or I will stalk you in the night ^ ^ enjoy.**

Edward's POV

As I lay there buried in the snow, buried in my thoughts, I think of

her. Her beautiful brown hair, her chocolate colored eyes, and her smell

of lavender. The look that dawned on her perfect, heart shaped face when she saw me… I shook my head feverently trying to shake away the thoughts of _her_.

Isabelle Marie Swan.

I'm with Tanya now. Don't get me wrong I loved Tanya, but just, never the way I loved Bella. My deep feelings for the seemingly insignificant human, could never add up to the miniscule feelings I held for another immortal such as myself. I heard Tanya's thoughts coming closer, and snapped out of my reverie. Putting on a happy face, and hiding away the sheer agony I had to bear.

"Hello Love," she giggled, my heart stayed still. If that had been Bella, I was sure it would have jumped to life. "I didn't frighten you did I?" She asked jokingly, my cheek turned up in a weak smile.

"Of course not." I answered, softly, she'd been so elated when I came to Alaska to live with the Denali Coven. I had run away. Run away like a coward. Like the lowlife I was. I tried to suppress those thoughts. Tanya didn't deserve this emotional unfaithfulness, she loved me and I loved her. At least…that's what I told myself.

That's the way it was always supposed to be. You can't go against nature. I will have to learn to live without Bella. Just like she learned to live without me. As I travelled deeper and deeper into thought, Tanya noticed something was bothering me.

"What's wrong?" she asked with a concerned overtone dominating her golden eyes; not brown. Just like…me. What was I going to give her

now?

"Nothing" I all but choked out, "just thinking about how beautiful you are." I wasn't lying…completely. She really was beautiful, in an undying way. I hated having to hide my thoughts about Bella. What made her beauty special, was that it shifted every second with the fluctuating human anatomy. But, if I told Tanya, I know what that would do to her. It would destroy her. I could read her thoughts, to say she was worried was a blunt understatement.

_ I hope he's ok… _she mused internally.

"I'm fine. No need to worry about me" I said smoothly, to soothe her; I was a good liar- fortunately. I'd made it seem like I was alright, when truly inside I was dying. If that's what we do.

I try to stay away, but my strength is withering away, like its slipping out of my fingers like sand; my subconscious is screaming the knowledge that I _will_ go back to check on her someday. It's something I know, but don't want to accept. _She's moved on_, I chanted to myself, _and yet_… my desire pulsed.

My life up here was good and safe; accepted by the vampire world. I should be grateful. But I've lived a whole century of doing just that, and there was something irresistible about defying that. And Bella being as lovable as she was, only heightened my intense need.

I swallowed my sorrow and took Tanya's hand in mine, to get back to my protected, eternal, life.

**So how horrible did I do? lol. Lemme know Review and tell me if you want more. And where I can improve. Also, please no negativity. Just constructive criticism. Thanks.**

**Love, Jazmine**


	2. Chapter 1

Edward's POV

I sense a change in my beloved Tanya; though I can't decipher what it is. And that frustrates me to no end. She looks at me different, with a look of guilt and…deceit? Usually I can read people with little or no effort, but her behavior has thrown me into a wild tailspin. Every time I try to read her thoughts it's like she knows and is singing the United States National Anthem or trying to decode Ancient Greek.

It's as if…she's hiding something from me. When she's being careless I've seen flashes of someone I've never seen before. Which worries me deeply. It's strange, it's like I don't even know her anymore. Has she stopped loving me? It would be only what I deserved for having my thoughts stray to my lost human, (there I go again, _my_).

Maybe she finally saw through one of my lies, perhaps she tired of my disloyalty. Possibly, she's in trouble. It eludes me what to do to help her. She's being so distant, like she's waiting for something, or maybe someone. Only time will tell.

After a few endless days of wondering, and doubt, I got my answer. My horrible, terrible answer.

I followed Tanya. She said she went off hunting, I was going to surprise her, TO TRY TO reignite our connection, but the surprise was on me.

I was right about to pop out when I caught someone else's scent, a male vampire's scent. I stayed behind a little just in case she was in danger. Turns out, I was probably in more danger. The person in her thoughts was standing right before my eyes while I hid in behind the trees.

I was so taken aback with the waves of betrayal and hurt, I couldn't make a move to confront either of them. He was no different from any other man, I couldn't find what she saw in him. "_What do you see in that asinine girl?"_ Rosalie had said. "_She's just a human_." I was brought back to the painful memories of my Bella; nobody saw what I saw.

That's when it hit me; obviously I wasn't good enough for Tanya. This man had something I lacked. Just like I'm not good enough for Bella. Tanya deserved someone who could love her wholly and completely- and although I knew I couldn't be that man, it still hurt me. Cut me deeply. She didn't even tell me, give me any hint that she was unhappy. I didn't like being lied to- since most of the time it was impossible anyway.

They would have noticed me, but they were to indulged with themselves too much to notice anything else, like I was in biology with that girl sitting less than a foot away.

It was sickening to watch my own demise slap me in the face searing with taunt and mockery.

This only meant one thing. We weren't really meant to be. I needed to confront her to ask what was going to happen between her and I. But not now, I will let her have her moment with her true love.

Which would never be me. No matter how much I tried.

Hours later

I waited patiently in the living room, still trying to collect my rarely scattered thoughts. It wasn't everyday that I was smack in the face with reality. I was usually the pessimist. I wasn't going to scold her, it was inevitable. I knew how it felt to be torn between two people. Yet, you don't see me running off to go see Bella. Yet, I can't be mad at her for getting bored and looking somewhere else.

I guess I can't run away from everything.

(**I was planning to write the whole conversation in the next chapter) **

**Jazzy **

**Ihatejacob1: heyyy I had fun beta-ing the chapter, but the credit goes to the amazing, superhero like Jazmine J**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey Guys and Gals! It's Twilighter541 Here. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I got a little sidetracked and randomly started writing this other story. But anyway I've also had writers block. I randomly finished this chapter at liked 230 am. Before this gets to long and boring. I'm just here to apologize and thank my friend/BETA Ihatejacob1. :) She's amazing and she adds the right flair to my story. :D K Byee.**

As I paced back and forth at lightening fast speeds, in the center of the living room; I thought about what I was going to say to her, and how awkward and painful this conversation would undoubtedly be.

How I was going to confront my beloved Tanya? Angrily? Sadly?

I was sitting quietly being swallowed by my thoughts when I heard her light footsteps speeding toward the house through the snow. I shot up as she entered the room, my face sure to be an array of betrayal, and confusion.

"Oh! Edward, sweetheart," She noticed, flustered; she blinked her eyes unnecessarily.  
"I uh… didn't expect to see you here." She muttered nervously, twiddling her thumbs; from her thoughts I could she was trying to scramble a way to cover up her absence. I knew why, I had caught her off guard. I just stood there and gawked, not knowing what to say. I had previously put together the early skeleton of a confrontation, but not that was all blown away with her now in the room.

I bowed my head, not wanting her to see me in this manner; while she just looked at me silently… _He knows, oh God he knows!_ She thought erratically. Once again being careless and not thinking of my gift.

I just raised my head and said in a cold, emotionless way, "Know what Tanya? Is there something you need to tell me?" My voice shook, I needed to hear it from her lips. No more secrets, I required the truth. For her sake, for my sake; our sakes.

She looked at me with a mystified and guilty look in her golden eyes; she didn't know what to say. The truth was out about her romance, something she had never given thought to.

She sat down next to me, and tentatively placed her hand on my knee; she looked up at me with sadness in her eyes and shame in her heart.

"Edward, I'm so very sorry; I know that this hurts you." She turned to me fully and made sure we had eyes contact. "Hurting you is the last thing in the world I wanted to do. But, I love him. I love you too, but it's different with him." She said with sadness and sorrow burrowed deep within her soul. I just sat there and listened, unfeelingly, to what she needed to say.

I glanced down on her, and murmured. "Tanya I understand. There is no need to apologize…" She looked dumbstruck.

What was I supposed to say? I can be in love with someone else but you can't be? I wasn't going to do that to her. She was fully aware of my hidden disloyalty, I wanted to blame her. I wanted to hate her for her unfaithfulness; but I couldn't do such a thing when I was doing the very same to her. But, now I knew Tanya and I were never meant to be; and that was knowledge I needed to possess.

Now, that Tanya had met her true love I'd have to go find mine, and beg for forgiveness. This life; Tanya and I, weren't meant to be. It was always meant to fall apart at the seams. Despite my hundred years of expertise, I ignored it with childish naïveté.

I would go back and see if she still wanted me; now that Tanya had done this, I felt a strange aura of…freedom. Of a peculiar sensation of lightheartedness I'd only known once in my long life; I yearned for it. It was pulling me to one direction, Forks, Washington. I had felt this desire for a while, but with nothing holding me here, it was as if it had intensified a million fold, a force that which I could not resist.

I would surely leave; not now, but soon.

I had forgotten Tanya was even there, until she breathed, "Your thinking about her aren't you?" My head shot up. I could tell she was in pain, I didn't have to be a mind reader to know that. She took a deep breath and uttered, "Don't worry. If you two were meant to be together then you will find each other again."

She got up gave me a light kiss on the forehead and exited the room; to her new life. Now I just had to find my own again.

**What did you guys think? More or should I just go crawl under a rock and die? Lol. Not really. Ok Review and thanks for reading.**


	4. Chapter 3

**AN: Hello my smurfs (I'll try to have a different nickname each time.) Sorry I haven't updated in so long. ****Happy New Year****? Haha. Anyway, as usual thanks to my beta ihatejacob1. She is such a beast. I love her so much. She is my inspiration. She is my Edward. (No Homo) haha. Love ya gurly. So yeah. Review please. And I'll love you forever. That's sort of another reason I haven't updated. I was bummed I barely have reviews. Haha. Before this gets to long. Bye!**

**Ihatejacob1: hey peeps :) read and…stuff! And sorry for all the holidays we've missed (and undoubtedly will miss in the future) :P so read and enjoy!**

Bella POV

"It's time to close up Bella." Mike called dryly, obviously tired of my utter unintrest in him. I had been too indulged in my thoughts to have noticed the time. I've been doing that a lot lately.

Ever since he left, it's like time doesn't exist, like it just doesn't matter anymore. As if time was a pleasant dream of the past, a bubble that normal, healthy people lived in. My life feels monotonous and boring, light never filled the room like it used to.

Pushing those stabbing thoughts to the back of my head, I picked up my keys, took off my vest, and started to clear everything off the counter.

After a while, Mike started to lock up. "Okay. I guess I'll see you tomorrow." I murmured as I started walking to the door in a hasty escape.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Mike called, the ghost of hope in his voice; he had asked if I wanted to go with him and Jessica to the movies. Either to see a horribly gory movie with lots of killing, or a sickening romance. Either way, I wasn't at all enthused.

"It's okay. You guys have fun." I didn't feel like doing anything these days, let alone spend time with the most disgustingly happy couple in this microscopic town.

I clutched my bag as I trudged to my truck. It was 7 o'clock, Charlie probably wasn't home yet. I saw an opportunity.

I wasn't ready to go home so I turned and started up the road to my favorite Indian reservation, La Push, to see my good friend Jacob. He had been my rock, my only reason to keep going. He was my best friend thanks to him I was still alive and here. Well my body was; my mind, heart, and spirit…well those were still in question.

I pulled up to his house, again I didn't notice the time and I had gotten here already. To think, I almost missed his house. Jacob came out, with his familiar Jacob-y grin, he heard my truck like always. He had a dog's sense of hearing. **(Sorry I couldn't help myself. XD)**

Running over, he scooped me up in one sweep and engulfed me in his typical warmth, he always picking me up like if I was a feather.

"Hey Bells! How was work?" He was in his usual mood, happy go-lucky. I guessed that was what I admired about him.

"It was tiring and very boring." I answered, rolling my eyes in a playful manner, trying to please him. Playing along was the least I could do for following him around like a lost puppy.

We walked hand in hand to his garage and I watched him work on the Rabbit. (It had broken down.). I sat there and acted like I was paying attention to his 'Car and Driver, droll, when truly my mind was with my love. Edward. As his name reverberated off the walls of my mind, it slapped me back with a vengeance. As if my mind was laughing at the fact I had even been so bold as to think his name.

I wonder what he was doing right now. I allowed myself to think about him every once in a while. It seemed like yesterday he had dropped me, but truly it had already been one whole year. As I said, time meant nothing. It flew by as if I truly was an immortal. Time. It passed agonizingly slowly, and although it had been a whole year, it had still felt like minutes.

I didn't think I could get through it, or that I would ever be able to think of him without breaking apart. I realized though, that it was healthy for me. It helped me keep my sanity. What was left of it anyway…

**Ihatejacob1: *** dramatically claps hands**** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, scene! **

**Twilighter541: ***Bows*** Why thanks you my little minion. Lol. You make my writing sound so much better than it really is. If you guys could read my original yall would be like *Gag* HAHA. SO yeah review and find out what happens next. Although I don't even know what happens next. Any guesses? Well, review and I'll give you a shout out. Also, go read my friend Ihatejacob1's work. Now that's a real writer.**


	5. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey My Little Pieces of Sunshine! **** This chapter was inspired by college week we're having at school this week. Soooo yeah. **** I won't bore you to tears. Kay. Have fun. And review. Oh and shout out to my Minion A.K.A. Beta Ihatejacob1 for being the only one to review. :/ come on guys give me something to work with here. At least tell me if I should stop so I can stop wasting my time.**

**Ihatejacob1: yall better review, or ima hurt you **

Bella POV

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep* I groaned and slammed my hand onto my blaring alarm, again another sleepless night. When is this going to end? Do I even want it to end? I'm starting to think that I'm masochistic in a way. I like the pain I feel because it helps me remember. I remember the way his eyes looked when he was in thought. The way he looked at me when we were lying in bed having out nightly conversations in bed. I also remembered the creases in his beautiful forehead when he was frustrated. Most of all, I missed his crooked smile. I decided I should get up before I was late for school. I sat up and went to go get dressed for another day at my hell on Earth.

No one talks to me anymore, not even Angela; everyone sort of gave up on me. Ever since he left I've been isolated from humanity, internally of course. I drove up to the school. The parking lot was full; I was never going to find a parking spot. Finally, I found a spot and parked. I got out of my truck and started trudging up to the school. Graduation was weeks away, and I still haven't heard from any colleges. Not that I had applied to many, but still it shouldn't take this long. Everyone was talking about how excited they were to be getting out of high school. Some were bragging about going to Harvard, others to Princeton, others even as far as to the University of Texas. I was still oblivious of where I'm going. The day came to an end, and I headed home.

Mike had called and told me that I didn't need to come into work. I got home and noticed a familiar care in the driveway. Charlie's cruiser was sitting there waiting for me. I was curious at what Charlie was doing home so early. So, I walked in and saw Charlie in the kitchen washing dishes. "Bells, is that you?" he called out. "Yeah dad it's me." I answered about to start climbing up the stairs. "Come in here for a second." He said sounding peculiar. What was this all about? I walked in curiously, and saw a white envelope on the kitchen counter. Charlie tossed it to me to open it, but it had already been open. I looked at Charlie accusingly and he just looked away sheepishly. As I took the letter out of the envelope and started reading out loud. "Ms. Isabella Marie Swan, we are pleased to inform you that we would be honored to have you attend Alaska University in the fall."

I looked it over because I couldn't believe it. I, Bella, am going to Alaska University! "Congratulations Bells!" Charlie said excitedly as he pulled me into an awkward hug. "Thanks Dad." I said. I was planning to go to Alaska with my beloved Edward. But, just because he left me and isn't here anymore doesn't mean I should skip out on a college education. Now, all I had left to do is call Jake and break the news. I wonder how he'll take it.

**Do you see what I did there? I started writing this during ****Math class****. HAHA. So yeah. What do you guys think will happen next? Also, what college do you all want to go to? What would you major in? Lemme know. **


	6. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Hello my little minions. How are you thins fine ****(Insert Time Of Day Here) ****I'm doing fine. Still no reviews, but I realized that this should be fun and I shouldn't worry about reviews they should just come to me. So Yeahh Enjoy.**

Jake POV

I was about to leave the house so I could go see Bella when my dad called out to me. "Jake! Phone! It's Bella!" He yelled. I jumped out of the rabbit and jogged up to the house. "Hey Bells! I was just about to go over there." I said cheerfully. "Oh. You were coming over here? We need to talk when you get here." She said. I could hear the worry in her voice even though she was trying to act nonchalant. We hung up and I walked back to the rabbit and got in. My mind was racing faster than I was driving. Were the Cullens back? I pulled into her house and saw Charlie's cruiser he was never home this early. Is he okay? I knocked on the door, Bella answered, "Hey Jake." She said. I could tell this was serious. We went inside, and sat down. "Jacob, I have been accepted to Alaska University, and will be attending it in the fall." I sat there motionless while the words sunk in…

Bella POV

I sat there waiting, staring at my motionless Jake. I tried hard to read his expression, but it was just blank. All of a sudden I see him jump up and yell, "I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" That took me off guard. I thought he'd be distraught. That was a little disappointing. I hoped at least Jake would miss me.

Jake POV

The love of my life was leaving to college. I had been dreading this day for a long time. I hoped she wouldn't get into college. I know it's bad for me to think that way, selfish even. But, I didn't want her to leave; I think I deserve her in some way. So, I put up this façade while truly I'm breaking up inside. I was jumping up and down with and finally broke the silence. "So do you need a studdly man to help you move?" I asked hoping she'd say yes. "Of course, Charlie can't go because of work. So, can you help me find someone?" She winked. I laughed and said, "Well, maybe Embry's free." We both laughed, and she said "Will you please do me the honor of helping me?" I was jovial and jokingly said "I'll have to check my calendar." She knew I meant yes. So we hugged and we hopped into the rabbit to ask Dad if I could go. Hopefully, I'll get to spend some extra time with my love.

**AN:DUN DUN DUHHH! Lol. So yeahh. :) Sorry it's so short. It was like three pages in my spiral. Cool. Kay Talk to you guys later.**


	7. Chapter 6

**Hello my little munchkins. Sorry I haven't written lately. I've just been distracted. ;) Here I go:**

**Bella POV:**

I said I wasn't going to leave until he came back for me. Yet, here I was packing my things about to get on a flight to Alaska . I had already said goodbye to all my friends and Jacob was going to go to Alaska to help me move in and get situated. What would I do without him?

I look at my empty room. It reminds me of my soul. A big space full of nothingness. I shake my head and just walk out down the stairs to the cruiser. My things and car will be at the docks by the time I get there. Charlie and I drive to Jacob's house to pick him up. We see him standing on his front porch. Billy is going to stay at the Clearwater 's house while Jake's away. Jacob gets into the cruiser with his usual happy mood. "Hey Bells! Hey Charlie!" he exclaims. Charlie and Jake get indulged into conversation as usual. It's good I can have some time to think for myself. We get to the airport go through the usual check out then start boarding the plane. We board and Jake and I sit next to each other. Once we take off I take hold of Jake's hand, and fall asleep immediately. "Bella. Bella." I hear a voice. It sounded so painfully familiar. I looked up. It was Edward. My Edward holding me in his arms, unchanged and beautiful. "Edward? Is that really you?" I said with tears in my voice. I had waited so long to see him again more than just in my dreams. We sat and talked and I cried some more. He just held me. One thing, I didn't remember how I got here. Where was Jacob? Was I already in Alaska ? Those questions seemed irrelevant compared to seeing Edward again. I blinked and Edward was gone. I held back the tears screaming out is name again and again. "EDWARD! EDWARD! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE AGAIN!" I pled. Then I heard my name once more "Bells? Bells?" It wasn't Edward this time. It was Jake. I was shaken awake. "Bella are you crying?" Jacob asked. I touched my face and realized the hot tears streaming down my face. "You were squirming in your seat crying I thought I needed to wake you up. Are you okay?" Jacob said. "Yeah I'm fine. I just had a bad dream is all." I lied thru my teeth. Truth is it was the best dream I had had in a while. Now, it's gone. "We are now arriving at your destination. Please fasten your seat belts." I sat there and stared out the window. Thinking about how I could make myself dream of Edward at least just one more time. To see him one more time wouldn't heal me. But, at least I could be happy at least for a moment. The love of my life is nowhere to be found. I couldn't tell Jacob about this dream it seemed like I would violate something private between Edward and I. This was MY dream and no one else deserved to know about it. Now, I had to put up a façade about being happy and moving on. When deep inside I'm scared to move on and lose all thoughts of my love.

**So, what'd you think? It took me forever to write this. Lol. I Just have a lot going on. So yeah Review. And Thanks to my wonderful fantastic and unbelievably talented BETA ihatejacob1. **


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